I’ve been obsessive about my weight since I was a little girl. My biological dads side of the family is obese and my mothers mother (my grandmother) has been overweight/skinny/overweight/skinny and so on.. all her life. So pretty much from the start my genes were just fucked and I was bound to be chunky. My mom always ridiculed me about my weight. Even when I was like 5. She would yell at my grandmother for feeding me cookies and sweets. I wasn’t “fat” I just had a belly. Even though I never said anything it actually hurt me. All her words about my weight were stuck in my head forever. 

One summer when I was 7 years old I went to camp. I swam, hiked, ran around, ate less, was active all day and lost lots of weight. I was told how amazing it was and my weight loss was glorified. I thought losing weight was something amazing. But I was 7 and I did gain it back once I started school. I didn’t really notice much or care. But my mother kept calling me fat and disgusting and I wasn’t allowed near the fridge. I was probably in the healthy weight range so I think that was a bit unnecessary on her part. 

Whenever I ate she would make fun of me. I felt ashamed to eat, and to this day I can’t eat in front of anyone. Especially her.

Well from age 7-12 I was up and down in weight. Then I saw something on tv about losing weight. Something clicked in my head, and I told myself something had to change. At the age I wanted to lose weight, I was overweight and not even close to active. I was made fun of in school for being the weight I was. I was actually called fat to my face. My own bestfriend would make fun of me. I wasn’tobese or extremely overweight. But I was overweight. I was sick of being tortured about my weight everywhere so I changed my whole lifestyle. Instead of eating pizza in school I ate salad, I started working out all day and playing sports outside. I looked at my bestfriend who always made fun of me the last day of school before summer and said “Look at me now because next year I’ll look totally different.” She told me I wouldn’t.

The next year I came back a size 1.. I was a 7-8. Nobody even recognized me. And for the people who did, all I got were compliments. Except from my “bestfriend” who told me I still look the same and then spread a rumor that I was anorexic.. I occasionally was called anorexic in the halls. But it was whatever.

Due to depression, I gained some weight back over the years. 

When I was 14 I started going on pro-ana sites. I hated my weight. Hated it. I even hated it when I was a size 1. I would fast (did my first 2 week fast that year; it was my first fast ever) I would restrict, I would workout. The weight would come off but I would always turn to food when I was upset so it was bound to come back.

When I was 15 I tried purging (nothing came up ._.), laxatives, pills, anything. The adhd meds, valium, just all the pills I took would help me lose weight and feel better about myself. But once I got off I would eat a lot.

I was really addicted to pills for a while.. I mean my body went through withdrawl twice. I dealt with it and drank alcohol to make myself feel better which caused me to gain-___- But since I was addicted to pills, and still would do em, when I tried diet pills at 16 I took more than what I should have. I was so used to taking a large amount to get what I wanted. I thought I would just feel good. But I got really sick. I did lose though haha.

Now, I kinda combine everything to lose weight. To be honest, I don’t care about my health. I never have. I only cared about skinny. It’s been a constant obsession. I remember at 11 I would look in the mirror standing side ways sucking in my stomach and being sad, or when I lost being happy. I don’t think I’ll ever maintain happiness with my weight until I reach a certain number. It’s a number engraved in my brain. One I need to reach. This all isn’t necessarily about weight loss. It’s about shedding all my pain. It’s about shedding my past and getting rid of the need to take in. If that makes sense? I’m not doing this for guys or anyone else but me. I want confidence and I want lightness. I always have. I think through the years I just kept getting pushed and pushed and pushed to this point. My mother made fun of my weight until now cause she sees I’m not eating. I would get all dressed up and try to look so pretty and expect a compliment from her; instead she’d look me up and down make a face and then whisper to my family that I was huge or that my shirt could cover her car.

I want to lose not only the weight but the fear and just everything. I can’t even describe what I want. I think it only makes sense in my head. There was a lot more to my ED and weight loss story but it’d take a full book to fill it >.>